pretty important I guess? (vent?)

I  just really hate myself right now.
I was supposed to film a simple video for color guard. I knew what to do and I could do it.
Thing is, I didn't.
Its not because I was to lazy, its because every time I set up the camera and stepped in front of it, I was afraid I was going to screw up and be judged. no matter what I messed up on. I`m so afraid that I will be forever mocked by my tiniest of failures I wont do anything. I can`t being myself to be in the front of anything other than a classroom (and that's mostly because I don`t have my glasses or a teacher placed me there) because I know for a fact that I will screw up and everybody will laugh and I will never be able to life that down.
I have had panic attacks in my winter guard practices and when I told my mother she told to "grow the hell up, stop being a baby. Go
 act like (other girls in my guard)" Its partly because I suck at color guard. I do. I'm pretty good and something but the stuff that everybody else succeeds in I don`t. I can`t dance to save my life or throw 6 on rifle. and for some reason that's where my mom sees that as the most important part of me. I didn't make rifle line and in turn I couldn't to sabre so my mom has still not stopped bringing it that she's pissed off and disappointed in me that I dint make it.  She yelled at me for an hour when I first told her, to the point where I was crying and she wouldn't stop fucking yelling.

She also sees that I only should get good grades anything below a B and I`m a worthless piece of shit apparently that should be looking up to my friends with better grades because its so not true that we are all different people and we all have to fucking have the same strengths. but oh well.

I can`t bring my self to do shit if I have the slightest possibility of messing up and that is basically all that life is.
Taking chances.

I wrote this much better a little while ago, but I screwed it up and my internet went down and it refreshed the page and it all deleted so.
If your the nobody that still reading this
I just don't know. My mom always makes fun of my appearance so I know for a fact that I look like shit 98% of my life so why the hell should I hurt people eye by going outside? I dunno.
also trying to figure out sexuality fuckng suck so I go it a 0/10 not recommend.